Past Abuse
I want to tell all about my friend
Catherine. Before I met her I was bitter, angry and
mistrusted everyone. The world was meant to hurt you. Love
hurt. That was all I knew. I became an expert at pushing
people away and keeping them away it was safer that way as
people would hurt you if you let them near your heart. I had
no close friends and believe me I wanted it that way. Then
one day I met Catherine Rose Halliday, I am not sure what
attracted me to her but she had a quiet peace and confidence
I know I wanted. So I took a chance and asked her out for
something to eat. Over dinner I kept thinking what an
amazing person she is and how at peace i felt with her. But
still I kept telling myself don't get to close or she will
hurt you because everyone does.
We began to get together more and more and while I got more
comfortable with her the fear was still so intense i took
pains to push her away. Even asked her when she was going to
reject me like everyone else does. But no she never did.
Instead she invited me to her church where for the first
time I met God. And now I was really supposed to open my
heart up to God and that freaked me out. I panicked in
church i would run or become short of breath and freak out.
Not only did God's love scare me badly but the thought of
letting other people in the church scared me insane. Get
away, get away. I would be sick to my stomach and turn white
as a sheet. Many times i came close to fainting.
Many times I told myself that's it I am not going back. I
had only one thing to hold onto Catherine. Letting her that
close to me scared me even more but she was my life
preserver to a drowning man. Each time she would love me,
accept me and just stand by me. She stayed by me. I could
not believe it. Wow. She never left. No matter how I reacted
she stayed. No matter how sick I got she stayed and held my
hand. She even gave me hugs when before I would never let
anyone do that. But she stayed. My god she stayed. Slowly
the walls are coming down and i still worry at times if she
is going to leave. But when I fear the most she is there
more then ever. I push her away and she pushes back even
stronger. The walls are coming down and she is the only
person on the inside helping me take them down. She loves
me. God loves me. And in her I see God. I am not the same
person as I was before I met her, you would not recognize me
anymore, the fighter is gone, the bitterness is gone, the
anger is gone. The person who saw herself as nothing more
then an object is now loved and is worthy of love. All I
pray is that i am 1/2 the person she sees me as. Dear Lord
Bless Catherine, I love her so. Keep her safe and protected
and thank you for introducing us. May I be the blessing to
her that she is to me. Amen
I don't have quite the gift of words that maybe i want, but
she is an angel here on earth and i know when I met her it
gave me what I have been looking for all my life. She gave
me a never ending love. She is my best friend. She saved me
from the hurts of past abuse and made me feel important. She
allowed me to call her whenever i hurt saying she would feel
better having lost sleep then thinking a friend was hurting
alone when nightmares would not let me sleep. She is the
only person I like getting hugs from as they used to be
treated like they were bad, now i even ask her for one and
can say Catherine I love you and always always always hear
it back. I now need her hugs as much as i do air.
Trish
pclark@netbistro.com (Received on
Thursday December 6, 2001)
