End it Once and for All
To begin with I'll start with a brief background for
understanding. I grew up in a very dysfunctional home. I had
a dad that was extremely abusive in every sense of the word.
I had a mother that was a very loving and strong Christian
lady and still is today.
Since mother was such a devout Christian I was taken to
church every time that the Church doors were open and
sometimes even when they weren't open. So I was taught at a
very early age that there was a Loving God. But as I became
older and things got worse my whole attitude toward God
changed. My dad wasn't a Christian when I was a young child.
He pretended to accept Christ when I was six years old. No,
I'm not trying to be judgmental, you will understand later
on why I made this statement. See even after his so called
conversion he still was abusive even to the point of incest.
I was taught that an earthly father was supposed to love the
way the Heavenly father did. So when I heard that the
Heavenly Father was a Father of Love and didn't want any
harm to come to me, I just didn't understand why he was
allowing my earthly father to do what he was doing.
Several years later after I started College. I came home one
weekend, big mistake dad decided that since he had not been
able to abuse me in a couple of weeks he would do it up
right. Went back to school and within days found out that I
was carrying his child. Afraid not knowing what to do I
decided that I couldn't carry the child full term so I had
an abortion. Proud of that decision no way am I proud of it
and still carry the guilt today. As a result of this I had
another reason to cuss God and say he didn't exist. And
because of these mistakes I chose to drop out of school. And
I returned home. Although my mother is a very strong lady
she also had to put up with an abusive husband and turned to
me her oldest child for help. And since I've had to be and
pretend to be the rock she could lean on for help I was at
her side. But the rock wasn't strong all I wanted was to end
my life after all hadn't I just killed someone. Why didn't
I? Because there were friends who said no and made sure that
I didn't. But more than that there was a greater force that
had His hand on me even though I didn't want to see that
hand.
Remaining at home and scared most of the time, I still felt
that my mother and younger brother needed help. Not being
able too cope myself and all I wanted to do was end my life.
I was a mess, and not able to find employment because of my
emotions being so unstable. My parents decided since I had
been interested in starting a day care that they would build
a building behind their home. Another huge problem, I wasn't
ready for that and made a big mistake. Won't go into details
because I'm still trying to deal with that one even thought
it's been several years past. But as a result another excuse
to hate God and blame him.
Being a baby boomer which might tell age about I'm still
living at home with mother, dad died three and a half years
ago. Did I ever want to forgive him not until he was almost
dead. He never gave me the chance to do so, when the time
was right! See even though I still hated God, He was saying
you must forgive your father, so that I can forgive you.
Several weeks ago the more I thought about my life the more
I said it's time to end it once and for all. But here again
there was that unseen person that said why don't you surf
the web and find a Christian website. So with weapon in one
hand and mouse in other I tried to follow the direction
which I didn't understand. And because of making the right
decision I found someone at the Answers2Prayer ministry who
was willing to listen and give very sound advice.
What's the point to all this. It's that there is a God!! And
he has so much love that He Gave His Only Son, so that we
might have eternal life. See even those times that I denied
him and cussed him he still showed his love even though I
didn't want to see it. No it's not easy to accept something
you don't see and don't even understand. Who says we have to
see Him, the only thing that's important is that we believe
that He Is God! I have come to that belief. If God can still
love me even though I have made serious mistakes. He can and
will Love all those that will accept Him and ask Him to
forgive them for their sins. He is standing there with hands
out stretched to receive those that will come to Him. Please
consider accepting Gods Love There's No Greater Love Than
His!
Gena (Received on August 16, 2001)
